Written by Stephanie Kugler, MA, LPC
Answer the question, “What does it mean to be known?”
When I feel known by someone, I authentically believe they have heard my heart, listened to my needs, acknowledged my feelings, and fully connected to me without being distracted. When someone knows me, I feel regulated and at ease. I feel like I can stop fighting for someone to hear me. When do you feel known? How does it feel to be known?
Knowing someone when they are behaving at their very best is relatively easy, but knowing someone when they are not behaving at their very best can be especially challenging. Think about your toddler, child, or teen. . . when they are cute, kind, and funny, they are easy to connect with, but when they are having a meltdown, behaving badly, or just plain ungrateful, you do not want to be around them. In fact, most likely, you have said things in those moments that you regret saying because you were so frustrated by the situation.
As parents, what if we begin to see the undesirable behavior of our children as an attempt to connect? What if their frustrating behavior means something? What if it is serving a purpose? I am inviting you to become curious about your child’s behavior. Begin to notice when it is happening. What are the circumstances? Who is around? Please take a deeper dive at collecting your data, because there is a good chance that we will be able to find some clues as to why the behavior is happening. I am encouraging you to know your child even in the frustrating moments.
If you had the chance to read the CPC blog, Nervous System Regulation Part 1, you learned there is innate wisdom in our bodies, and we all have natural activities that make us feel better and regulate. When your child becomes dysregulated, you have the power to stay regulated and model appropriate ways to “calm down.” You may simply take a deep breath, make an observation statement, or name a feeling word. You may also decide to model one of your own coping skills, “This is a lot right now, I am going to run up and down the stairs a couple of times so that I can feel better.” We all know what happens when you tell them to STOP, things typically get elevated. Kids are constantly learning new things, and learning how to regulate is also important. The more you can model your own regulation, the more they will begin to learn how to do it themselves. At some point, not in the heat of the moment, you can have age appropriate conversations about all of the things they can do to feel better when upset. Perhaps you set up a relaxing corner in the family room, or perhaps you print a “coping skills” poster and hang it on the fridge as a reminder of positive ways to cope.
In the spirit of being curious about your child’s behavior, notice if their behavior happens during transitions, or when clear expectations have not been set, or when they are in the middle of something and you ask them to immediately stop what they are doing. If there are things you can do to help prepare your child for a transition, that may help. If there is a chore chart you can use to help with clear expectations, that may help.
We also understand that nervous system vulnerability can result from kids being gifted, neurodivergent, having challenges with sensory processing, PANS (Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome), PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Disorders associated with Streptococcal infections), Lyme Disease, or another neuroimmune disorder, or even exposure to alcohol or other toxins in utero. (Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors by Robyn Gobbel). Even with these challenges, we encourage you to become curious about the behavior. As you are curious, you are authentically knowing your child even in the hard.
Things to say to a dysregulated child:
“We’re on the same team”
“I love you and you are safe”
“I can see this is hard for you”
“Let’s take a little break”
“I see you ________ (crying).Help me understand”
“This feels hard right now”
“Is there anything that will make this feel better”
Remember:
No labels or name calling
No Sarcasm (always has a hidden message)
Be curious about their experience
Do not launch into problem solving or “shoulds”, they will not be in a place to hear and you want them to begin to self-regulate without you always solving it for them. We want our kids to grow into problem solvers and we want to hold the space for them to do so.
If you find that coping skills/nervous system regulation are lacking in your household and you would like support, please reach out today. We have many more techniques and resources to share!
Beneath the tears, tantrums and meltdowns . . .Beneath the rage, defiance and acting out . . . Beneath the sass, sarcasm and attitude . . .
Is simply a child longing to feel seen, heard, understood, and connected.
Debbie Zeichner, LCSW
Valuable resources for parenting and nervous system regulation:
-Book -Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors by Robyn Gobbel
-For more on nervous system regulation through the lens of Synergetic Play Therapy: https://synergeticplaytherapy.com/what-synergetic-play-therapy/
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